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And if you see criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling coming up early in a relationship, let that be a sign for you to seriously consider whether it is worth your while to keep it going.

Taking your own counsel, again In the end, there are as many ways of keeping a relationship going as there are relationships. What’s important is to be aware of why you wish to keep a relationship going. It is one thing to keep it going because it’s a source of fulfillment for both of you, and another to keep it going just for the sake of keeping it going. Generally speaking, if something adds to your growth and freedom, you should keep it in your life; if not, you should let it go. That rule applies to relationships as well.

Chapter Conclusion In Blink, Malcolm Gladwell improvisational comedy and how it involves people “making very sophisticated decisions on the spur of the moment, without the benefit of any script or plot.” There are two reasons why they can do that successfully and generate funny shows night after night. The first is that everyone in the troupe has rehearsed their basic skills extensively. The second is that, at the time of the show, they are all operating based on a set of agreed upon rules. Likewise, The Tao of Dating is providing you with the rules to enable you to render those crucial, real time decisions in the dating arena.

The four horsemen: recognizing problems before they arise John Gottman, Professor of Psychology at Washington Univeristy, has been studying married couples for 25 years and has come up with a lot of interesting, highly accurate ways of evaluating the health of a relationship. In fact, using a 3 minute video of a couple interacting with each other, he can predict the success or failure of a marriage with over 90% accuracy. What he has found is that there are certain styles of interacting that tend to be harbingers of doom for a relationships. The worst four amongst these he calls ‘the four horsemen’, since they tend to be apocalyptic in their destructiveness. The four are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. If you engage in these communication styles on occasion, that’s okay everybody does them to some extent.

The problem arises when they become the principal mode of communication. The worst of these four is contempt and it’s actually the most easily avoided of the four. There’s really no place for it in a loving relationship. So keep your eyes open for unannounced guest appearances of the four horsemen in your relationship, both in yourself and your partner.

habit in the way you take her out, initiate sex, buy her presents, or sound happy on the phone. These are all opportunities for introducing variability.

Maybe the last two paragraphs got you down a little bit. You’re thinking, “Look, I have a good heart, and I just enjoy doing nice things for my baby.” That’s perfect. As long as your enjoyment is the main reason you’re doing it (vs. force of habit or even worse, trying to please), you will be naturally unpredictable and will never be taken for granted. This is an extension of the masculine ideal of following your internal compass.

And as long as you’re not doing the same thing over and over again, that’s a fine policy.

For all the sweet guys out there who really, really want to do nice things for their companions, there’s another technique that works. This is called the jackpot. A jackpot is a larger than usual reinforcer, usually given for no reason at all. For the dolphin, it would be a big ol’ mackerel instead of the little minnow it was regularly getting. Human beings call it a surprise. For it to work, the jackpot has to be a reinforcer (i.e. pleasant), bigger than average, and unexpected. A pair of tickets to Paris for the weekend works; a pair to Antarctica work less well. And it’s worth repeating that the jackpot works because it’s unexpected. Twice a year may be all you need for it to be maximally effective. Human beings (especially women) catch on very, very quickly, and if you do a jackpot every month, she’ll come to expect her monthly surprise, in which case it’s not really a surprise any more. Don’t let the technique compound the problem. In the Tao of Dating seminar, we explain and demonstrate these techniques extensively until you understand them at a gut level. In the meantime, for an in depth understanding of behavioral techniques, I recommend Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog. It is an interesting read in its own right and tremendously insightful about human nature.

The way to make sure that the dolphin’s response doesn’t decay over time is, paradoxically, to withhold the fish for a while. Give it to the dolphin every third or fifth jump. If you withdraw it entirely, the reinforced behavior will stop, so keep up the reinforcer; just give it irregularly. Now a funny thing happens: the dolphin starts to jump higher in order to get its reward. On some level, it has realized that just showing up isn’t enough; it has to work harder.

If you think you’re a lot smarter than a dolphin, let me ask you this: Has your interest in a woman ever increased after she told you she didn’t want to see you? Have you ever started calling a woman even more after she stops returning your calls in a timely fashion? Have you ever started to put in more hours at work after the regular kudos you were getting stopped? The fact is, people are a lot smarter than dolphins, which is why this technique works even better for them.

To get you started, think of some behaviors involving reinforcement. We are unconsciously using reinforcers all the time in our relationships: praise, enthusiasm, food, presents, backrubs, sex. Anything that makes someone feel good is potentially a positive reinforcer. Become aware of them. Now think of all the ways that you use those reinforcers in a habitual manner, i.e. without thought or variation. Take kissing, for example. Do you kiss her every time you leave for work? Do you kiss her every time you come back? Do you kiss her in the same spot, for the same duration of time? If you do, your kiss no longer conveys any information