In the end, keep in mind what all of this is about. Ultimately, the secret to a successful, fulfilling life is loving relationships. If the journey is the destination, then let every step of your journey towards relationship mastery be imbued with love. When you encounter obstacles, be like water

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]]> http://vample.com/sex/journey-towards-relationship-mastery-the-journey/feed/ http://vample.com/sex/sophisticated-decisions-real-time-decisions/ http://vample.com/sex/sophisticated-decisions-real-time-decisions/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:36:49 +0000 http://vample.com/sex/sophisticated-decisions-real-time-decisions/ Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> And if you see criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling coming up early in a relationship, let that be a sign for you to seriously consider whether it is worth your while to keep it going.

Taking your own counsel, again In the end, there are as many ways of keeping a relationship going as there are relationships. What’s important is to be aware of why you wish to keep a relationship going. It is one thing to keep it going because it’s a source of fulfillment for both of you, and another to keep it going just for the sake of keeping it going. Generally speaking, if something adds to your growth and freedom, you should keep it in your life; if not, you should let it go. That rule applies to relationships as well.

Chapter Conclusion In Blink, Malcolm Gladwell improvisational comedy and how it involves people “making very sophisticated decisions on the spur of the moment, without the benefit of any script or plot.” There are two reasons why they can do that successfully and generate funny shows night after night. The first is that everyone in the troupe has rehearsed their basic skills extensively. The second is that, at the time of the show, they are all operating based on a set of agreed upon rules. Likewise, The Tao of Dating is providing you with the rules to enable you to render those crucial, real time decisions in the dating arena.

The problem arises when they become the principal mode of communication. The worst of these four is contempt and it’s actually the most easily avoided of the four. There’s really no place for it in a loving relationship. So keep your eyes open for unannounced guest appearances of the four horsemen in your relationship, both in yourself and your partner.

Maybe the last two paragraphs got you down a little bit. You’re thinking, “Look, I have a good heart, and I just enjoy doing nice things for my baby.” That’s perfect. As long as your enjoyment is the main reason you’re doing it (vs. force of habit or even worse, trying to please), you will be naturally unpredictable and will never be taken for granted. This is an extension of the masculine ideal of following your internal compass.

And as long as you’re not doing the same thing over and over again, that’s a fine policy.

For all the sweet guys out there who really, really want to do nice things for their companions, there’s another technique that works. This is called the jackpot. A jackpot is a larger than usual reinforcer, usually given for no reason at all. For the dolphin, it would be a big ol’ mackerel instead of the little minnow it was regularly getting. Human beings call it a surprise. For it to work, the jackpot has to be a reinforcer (i.e. pleasant), bigger than average, and unexpected. A pair of tickets to Paris for the weekend works; a pair to Antarctica work less well. And it’s worth repeating that the jackpot works because it’s unexpected. Twice a year may be all you need for it to be maximally effective. Human beings (especially women) catch on very, very quickly, and if you do a jackpot every month, she’ll come to expect her monthly surprise, in which case it’s not really a surprise any more. Don’t let the technique compound the problem. In the Tao of Dating seminar, we explain and demonstrate these techniques extensively until you understand them at a gut level. In the meantime, for an in depth understanding of behavioral techniques, I recommend Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog. It is an interesting read in its own right and tremendously insightful about human nature.

If you think you’re a lot smarter than a dolphin, let me ask you this: Has your interest in a woman ever increased after she told you she didn’t want to see you? Have you ever started calling a woman even more after she stops returning your calls in a timely fashion? Have you ever started to put in more hours at work after the regular kudos you were getting stopped? The fact is, people are a lot smarter than dolphins, which is why this technique works even better for them.

To get you started, think of some behaviors involving reinforcement. We are unconsciously using reinforcers all the time in our relationships: praise, enthusiasm, food, presents, backrubs, sex. Anything that makes someone feel good is potentially a positive reinforcer. Become aware of them. Now think of all the ways that you use those reinforcers in a habitual manner, i.e. without thought or variation. Take kissing, for example. Do you kiss her every time you leave for work? Do you kiss her every time you come back? Do you kiss her in the same spot, for the same duration of time? If you do, your kiss no longer conveys any information

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]]> http://vample.com/sex/reinforcers-dolphin/feed/ http://vample.com/sex/dolphin-behavioral-psychologists/ http://vample.com/sex/dolphin-behavioral-psychologists/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:34:51 +0000 http://vample.com/sex/dolphin-behavioral-psychologists/ Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> To optimize survival, the nervous system has evolved to notice change and filter out the background. It happens in all of your five senses: eyes notice moving objects and not static ones; you stop noticing the refrigerator’s hum after a few days; you stop smelling something after five minutes. This is called habituation, and there are mechanisms operating at the cellular level to make this work. In other words, you’re better off understanding it and working with it rather than fighting it. And the proper way to circumvent habituation is to deliberately introduce salient, unpredictable stimulus, better known as change.

There are infinite ways of being unpredictable, but here I want to give you two techniques derived from behavioral psychology and animal training. The first is deliberate unpredictability, especially when it comes to doing nice things for your partner.

Behavioral psychologists and animal trainers call this implementing an irregular schedule of reinforcement. Let’s say you’ve been training a dolphin to jump, and you’ve been rewarding it with a single fish each time. The fish is the reinforcer

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]]> http://vample.com/sex/dolphin-behavioral-psychologists/feed/ http://vample.com/sex/friday-night-standard-features/ http://vample.com/sex/friday-night-standard-features/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:34:42 +0000 http://vample.com/sex/friday-night-standard-features/ Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> If Friday night is your time with the boys, then you state that clearly and stick to it. A pet has no independence and no sexual aura

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]]> http://vample.com/sex/friday-night-standard-features/feed/ http://vample.com/sex/strong-masculine-presence/ http://vample.com/sex/strong-masculine-presence/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:32:41 +0000 http://vample.com/sex/strong-masculine-presence/ Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> Recall that the universe is a reflection of you. If you hold on too tight to someone, you are in effect saying to the world, “I’m afraid of losing her.” The world will then simply affirm your feeling by making you lose her. Instead, celebrate every moment of her presence in your life, knowing full well that her presence is temporary. If you’re busy appreciating her and being exceptionally good to her, you won’t have time to think about losing her. Also, leave the cage door open. Men often get so caught up in keeping a woman that they forget that, as wonderful as the other person may be, the relationship itself isn’t fulfilling. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and that’s true for both parties.

Of course, the best way not to have to worry about losing her is once again to turn the tables, making sure that she’s more worried about losing you. If you successfully applied the principles of The Tao of Dating, chances are that you became attractive to more than one woman. Women notice this and value it. The next section talks about how to keep that attractiveness going, even after you’re in a long term relationship.

Tightening the helmet If you’ve done everything right up to this point, congratulations. You embodied a strong masculine presence, you were compelling, you were romantic, you were an allaround stud, and by golly you got the girl. Now I’ve got news for you: the work has just begun. As the old samurai proverb goes: After the victory is won, tighten your helmet.