Human Beings, Jackpot

habit in the way you take her out, initiate sex, buy her presents, or sound happy on the phone. These are all opportunities for introducing variability.

Maybe the last two paragraphs got you down a little bit. You’re thinking, “Look, I have a good heart, and I just enjoy doing nice things for my baby.” That’s perfect. As long as your enjoyment is the main reason you’re doing it (vs. force of habit or even worse, trying to please), you will be naturally unpredictable and will never be taken for granted. This is an extension of the masculine ideal of following your internal compass.

And as long as you’re not doing the same thing over and over again, that’s a fine policy.

For all the sweet guys out there who really, really want to do nice things for their companions, there’s another technique that works. This is called the jackpot. A jackpot is a larger than usual reinforcer, usually given for no reason at all. For the dolphin, it would be a big ol’ mackerel instead of the little minnow it was regularly getting. Human beings call it a surprise. For it to work, the jackpot has to be a reinforcer (i.e. pleasant), bigger than average, and unexpected. A pair of tickets to Paris for the weekend works; a pair to Antarctica work less well. And it’s worth repeating that the jackpot works because it’s unexpected. Twice a year may be all you need for it to be maximally effective. Human beings (especially women) catch on very, very quickly, and if you do a jackpot every month, she’ll come to expect her monthly surprise, in which case it’s not really a surprise any more. Don’t let the technique compound the problem. In the Tao of Dating seminar, we explain and demonstrate these techniques extensively until you understand them at a gut level. In the meantime, for an in depth understanding of behavioral techniques, I recommend Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog. It is an interesting read in its own right and tremendously insightful about human nature.