Where does one start? How do you separate between what’s important and what’s less important? In the booklet The Tao of Sexual Mastery, I summarize the content of dozens of books on sexuality into practical principles which you can learn and put to use immediately. Instead of burdening you with piles of detail to sift through, the booklet gives you the basic principles of anatomy, physiology and technique that you can then expand upon and adapt to your own needs.
Making relationships last All relationships are temporary. Even the best ones eventually end in death or divorce. Once you reconcile yourself with that fact, you can focus on being fully present in the relationship at all times and worrying less about how long it will last. I believe that every relationship has an intrinsic length to it. All relationships are equally valid as long as they enrich your life, help you grow as a person and increase your personal freedom. A one night stand is not any better or worse than a 50 year marriage
Chinese Emperors, Sexual Communion
September 2nd | Uncategorized
Lucky for us, there’s a lot of good resources out there to catch up on lost time.
Thousands of years ago, there were Chinese emperors and Indian maharajas with lots of money and free time on their hands. Seeing as there was neither cable nor video games then, what these emperors would do in their copious spare time was to have lots of sex with their hundreds of wives and concubines. They also commissioned their philosophers and scientists to figure out novel and exciting ways of enhancing their sexual experiences.
Predictably, over hundreds of years, these emperors and philosophers came up with a lot of good stuff. From China came the treatises of the Taoist masters and the Yellow Emperor; from India, the Kama Sutra, the Ananga Ranga, and the works of the yoga masters. What they figured out was not just the incredible variety and intensity of possible sexual practice, but also the potential to use sexual communion as a path to higher consciousness.
A good reference for that knowledge is the comprehensive Sexual Secrets, by Nik Douglas and Penny Slinger, which covers the traditions of India, China, Nepal, Tibet and Japan.
It’s easy to become overwhelmed by the abundance of information on sexuality.
Acceptable Starting Point, Wilson Observes
September 2nd | Uncategorized
And if it’s not well received, then you’re probably better off without the entanglement that would have ensued had you not made yourself clear. Finally, making yourself clear now gives you greater flexibility in the relationship down the road. If you don’t say anything, the woman will make some assumption about the meaning of your interaction, which may not be the same as what you want. Regret usually follows. Don’t let it.
The importance of sex in relationships Sex is not everything in a relationship, but it’s a big part of it. As we discussed earlier, oxytocin is the hormone chiefly responsible for feelings of long term attachment in women (in men, it’s vasopressin). We also mentioned that oxytocin is produced at the moment of orgasm and through touch. For this and hundreds of other reasons, good sex plays a big part in starting and maintaining a relationship. This point cannot be overemphasized.
Let’s just take it as a given that being good at sex is a good thing, and that you are interested in getting better and better at it. In fact, I can hardly think of a more useful, practical life skill. For whatever reason, sex is caught up in a lot of taboo and restriction in Western society (and just about everywhere else). Robert Anton Wilson observes that there is one rule that every human tribe has in common: reproductive activity will not go unregulated by the tribe. The upshot of this all is that if you’re like most people, you’ve probably received little or no instruction regarding good sex. And that’s a perfectly acceptable starting point.
Vulnerable Beings, Complete Honesty
September 2nd | Uncategorized
The art of early disclosure Now that you know what to do regarding marketing yourself with integrity, the question is how you will go about doing it. To that, there are two components: timing and wording. As far as timing is concerned, you should make your terms clear regarding the meaning of your impending intimacy after it becomes relevant and before sexual activity (however you choose to define it) begins. If you start talking about it at the start of your first date, it will sound presumptuous and just plain weird. If you talk about it after a night of shared passion, you risk coming off as an opportunistic creep. This is another instance of the idea of taking the middle path, a recurrent theme in Eastern thought.
As far as wording is concerned, you should convey in your own way that you don’t make any promises you can’t keep. Phrased positively, you only make promises you can keep. Honesty is absolutely the best policy here. If you’re coming off a difficult relationship and you’d like to have some time to get to know someone before making a commitment, say so. If you’re not boyfriend material right now but you really enjoy her company and want to get to know her better, say that. If you are looking for a serious girlfriend, she might be looking for relationship lite, so that’s worth mentioning, too (there are two parties involved here, and sometimes you’re the more vulnerable one). One way to do it is to preface your statement with “I just want to make sure you understand one thing before we go any further
Partnership Rogue
September 2nd | Uncategorized
Just as the three brain circuits for lust, romantic love and long term attachment are interrelated, so are the fling, romance and partnership systems related. Serious long term relationships (i.e. partnerships) are usually borne of romance. Flings can lead to romance and subsequently even marriage. However, note that you generally cannot move backwards in the sequence: fling ? romance ? partnership rogue ? cool guy ? husband If you market yourself as a partner, you will not become fling material. Ever.
Even if you market yourself for romance, chances are very small of getting in the fling zone. However, if you start in the fling zone, you have the latitude to move forwards along this one way street. It follows that the rogue archetype has the greatest freedom when it comes to the type of relationship he wants to have. This makes sense, since the rogue adventurer type is usually successful at creating strong attraction with women. Lest you think that this is an unreserved recommendation of the bad boy lifestyle, be forewarned. If it does not fit your personality well, you will feel like a phony. And having lots of women around does not necessarily translate into fulfillment. Deep fulfillment comes from deep connections, and the bad boy lifestyle can preclude that. The dirty secret of some of these bad boys who get lots of women is that some of them are profoundly lonely and fundamentally unhappy, trying to fill that void with quantity instead of quality. Find out where your fulfillment lies. Pursue that, and not some standard someone else has prescribed for you.
September 2nd | Uncategorized
There’s an analogy here with the relationship marketplace. If you represent yourself as someone who’s looking for serious dating but really just wants to sleep with as many woman as possible, you’re misrepresenting yourself. This will lead to your unhappiness, as you may get stuck in an arrangement you don’t necessarily want; her unhappiness, because she’s not quite getting what she wants; and once again your unhappiness, which will be caused by her unhappiness (count on it). It’s also a violation of your integrity, which will always be to your own detriment. Call it karma, call it what comes around goes around, call it having it bite you back in the ass
An Attendant Approaches
September 2nd | Uncategorized
Representing yourself with integrity In the early chapters, we discussed taking stock and figuring out what you want from your relationships with women. Now is a good time to revisit that question in light of the three types of love feelings that Helen Fisher enumerated: lust, romance, and long term attachment. Roughly, those three translate to short , medium and long term relationships.
For shorthand, let’s call them fling, romance, and partnership.
Consider this situation. Let’s say you’re at an amusement park, and you’re looking for a really fun ride. An attendant approaches you and tells you about this incredibly exciting, borderline dangerous ride. You get very eager to try this ride and stand in line.
After an hour’s wait, you get on it
Sexual Activity happens
September 2nd | Uncategorized
Prevent trouble before it arises.
Put things in order before they exist
Judge nothing, Accept themselves
September 2nd | Uncategorized
- Frame her as the aggressor. Invite her over but put strict conditions on it: “We
can chill for a spell, but only for a half hour because I have to get some stuff done/go to work early,” or “If you promise to behave, we can continue the conversation for a little while longer over strawberries and wine.”
- Flow with it. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just forget about all the
techniques and rules, and to realize that you’ve made a real connection with a real person in front of you and to go with the moment. If it’s meant to be, it will.
Something as simple as, “Hey, I’m having a great time and I’m not quite ready for the evening to end. How about you?” has been the beginning of many a beautiful tale.
The psychic component of being safe and comfortable is as important if not more so than the physical aspect. The question running in the back of a woman’s mind whenever the prospect of sexual activity with a man arises is “How will I be perceived?” In our society, a man who has many sexual partners is called a stud. The female counterpart is labeled a slut. Women will deprive themselves of any amount of pleasure and opportunities for personal growth to avoid that label. So she wonders: How will he perceive me? Will he judge me? How will my friends perceive me? Is there anyone else who will know about this (e.g. roommates)? Address these issues before they arise. The best way to put her at ease is to be at ease with yourself. Recall that total self acceptance is one of the three pillars of masculinity. People tend to judge and accept others to the same extent that they judge and accept themselves, so accept yourself completely and judge nothing. Be cool with whatever is happening, and she will take her cue from you and be at ease herself.
Comfortable Inviting, Place Clean
September 2nd | Uncategorized
- Have small get togethers at your place and invite her. That way she’s already at
your place in a socially acceptable context.
- Cook for her. Offering food for sex is the oldest ploy in the animal kingdom, and
women know it. Make sure there is enough trust and interest before you make this offer, otherwise she might (rightly) suspect that you’re trying to pull a fast one. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting a new guy friend to your place the first time you hang out, chances are she won’t be too keen on showing up to your place on a first date either. Second or third date is a much better bet.
- Cook at her place. A variation on the above theme, and she gets to feel safer at
her home.
- Have your place clean and your bed made. Remember, it’s all about her safety
and comfort. Keep the bathroom spotlessly clean and well stocked with toilet paper. Make sure the bed is made. Generally, a woman will not willingly crawl into an unmade bed.
- Have a reason for her coming over. As a rule, women cannot be jimmied,
techniqued, wheedled or cajoled into coming to your place. She will only do it if she wants to, and she will only want to if she’s already really into you and trusts you. That said, make it easy for her to act on her inclinations by providing a reason for her to continue the evening at your pad. That way, not only are you using the power of because (the copy machine principle), but you are also providing her with an excuse such that she doesn’t seem too aggressive or eager. If it was something interesting you were talking about earlier in the evening